Threeviewed

There are only certain expectations of a Conan movie, or video game for that matter. Beefcake and cheesecake with a side serving of violence. Conan delivers on these things. But it does it so straight faced and mindlessly that it’s nearly as hard to take seriously as it is to enjoy.

Conan is aggressively and enthusiastically brutal and misogynistic, which is fitting for the Hyborian setting. He’s always been a kind of interesting character, detached and selfish-self serving. Jason Momoa’s portrayal conflicts notably with Schwarzenegger’s larger and camper role. Momoa’s not new to large barbarians, particularly notable as the exceptional Khal Drogo in the Game of Thrones TV series. It’s interesting that brutish and harsh man is so much more interesting and likeable than the more honourable Conan.

Conan isn’t the worst film ever made. It may not even be the worst Conan ever made. But it’s not good either. Lower your expectations, and you’ll only be mildly disappointed.

When the movie is based on a comic book the bar is dropped a fair bit to accommodate it. That means some things (such as Watchmen, or X-men: First Class) can surprise and please. I went into Green Lantern with quite low expectations, and was still disappointed.

Green Lantern is not good. Its approximately 20% on Rotten Tomatoes has been well earned and I’ve been criticized for my 3/10 being overly generous. But frankly I think Ryan Reynolds body alone deserves a 2.

Green Lantern is the latest of a series of blockbuster comic book movies coming or recently released this year, but so far it’s by a long way the worst of them. I could (and for the sake of professionalism should) talk about the plot, the actors and the roles they perform… But it would all be redundant.

To simplify it, these reviews are intended to let you know whether or not you should go and see a movie. In this case, you should not.

Beautiful Lies sees the enchanting Audrey Tautou play a cold and rather ruthless woman, running a salon in the visually stunning south of France town of Sète. Her character Émilie (a little too close to Amelie, imo) is good natured in general, but coolly uses those around her for her own ends, even as she is unaware of it. She is equally unaware of Jean, a seemingly simple labourer who maintains her salon.

Jean is introduced pouring his heart out onto paper in a touching missive of unexpecting love in an anonymous email. His eloquence and gesture is casually dismissed by the object of his adoration. But when Emilie later wants to make her mum feel better (still not coping well with her husband leaving her years ago) she pulls out the letter to use for her own agenda, touching of a cycle of increasing deception and mistreatment.

Beautiful Lies doesn’t have the level of depth of story of some other French romantic comedies, and the humour is probably a little lacking, though there are some nice chuckles. But it’s an enjoyable experience, and a fun film, and I could frankly stare at Tautou for hours.

Conan O’Brien Can’t Stop is the story of what happened in the year-or-so after Conan lost his television show and was contractually prohibited from appearing on television for six months. What he did was mount a nationwide tour with a variety show that he essentially invented a few weeks before it premiered. The film doesn’t show much of the show itself; it’s mostly footage of Conan on the road with his faithful entourage, moving from town to town and handshake to handshake.

If you go in expecting a professional-quality documentary, you may be disappointed, because it’s pretty low-budget (shot on sometimes-poorly-lit digital video); however, the style fits the content and doesn’t detract from the story it’s telling. If anything, the film resembles Conan himself: a little rough around the edges, running on pure need to be out there in front of people, ready to entertain anytime, anywhere, on a moment’s notice.

Annie (co-writer Kristen Wiig) is at a low point in her life: her cake business has gone bust, her lovelife consists of awkward, demeaning sex with massive jerk Ted (Jon Hamm-ing it up), and her flatmate’s sister is making her homelife as unpleasant as the reality outside it. When Lillian (Maya Rudolph), her closest and oldest friend, declares she’s getting married, Annie is happy for her friend but devastated for herself. Her shame is deepened when she meets Lillian’s bridesmaids, including Helen (Rose Byrne, wonderfully awful), whose poise, grace and new friendship with Lillian ruin Annie’s tenuous grip on her self-esteem.

This movie has gross-out moments, awkward sex scenes, lots of swears and could feasibly make you cry with laughter. It’s also immensely uncomfortable, something I hate in movies: people embarrassing themselves is something I want to escape, otherwise I’d just pay fifteen dollars to do some public speaking. Annie is someone you really feel for: she’s down-and-out, for sure, but appears helpless to fix her problems and takes it out on everyone else, which can ruin your gung-ho support for the heroine.

But the reality of the women in this film is what makes it: instead of being support for male leads, as happens so often, they are front and centre, exciting, funny, and flawed. The film obsesses over Annie and gives little depth to anyone else apart from Helen, who is someone you kind of hope falls into a pool (or has a similar low-grade accident) in the finale, but isn’t all snipe and one-upmanship. Look past the feminist-hype it’s getting and really, it’s original in its absence of men but still follows a familiar plot. A good movie, for sure, but not excellent.

I can’t remember the last time I so desperately wished cinemas included a remote control so I could rewind my favourite parts, but Super 8 absolutely made me want to go out, hit the bathroom, and then sneak back into the next viewing again. I’d even forfeit the popcorn. It was that fun.

After a quietly poignant opening, the excitement gets underway when a pile of kids aim to spend their summer holidays making a zombie movie. (It’s 1979, so they can’t just use their iPhones and instead have to use this thing called “film”.) While sneaking off to record a scene at midnight, they witness a (mindblowing, incredible, almost over-the-top but too good for me to care) train crash, caused by someone driving their car into the train’s path. Amongst the wreckage, they find some strange debris, and when one carriage starts to move, they realise there is something else in the ruined mess.

While trying to negotiate the minefield of early-teen relationships and the awkward, nonexistent relationship with his recently widowed father, makeup-effects kid Joe (Joel Courtney, fantastic) keeps what they saw secret for the sake of his new friend, Alice (Elle Fanning), and the person who caused the crash, pleading for their silence. But people – and worse, dogs – are going missing, electrical appliances are playing up, and their friendly country town is becoming unfamiliar and terrifying.

Full of endearing characters, kids who’ve just grown out of GI Joe and into swearing, and scares that are never cheap and frequently terrifying, Super 8 is The Goonies for the new batch of kids, despite being set before the original Goonies itself. It’s super fun, super dramatic, super explodey, and the media has been super free of spoilers too, which is a surprise, and one that I won’t ruin. Despite a few forced moments and a couple of missed opportunities, it’s almost a perfect movie, timeless and entertaining, and may cause you to break out into gushing.

In the first Hangover movie, interloper and brother-in-law-to-be Alan (Zach Galifianakis, annoying) crashed the bachelor weekend of Doug (Justin Bartha, probably offended at his lack of scenes) and his pals Phil (an arrogant Bradley Cooper), Stu (a repressed Ed Helms). Alan drugged them all, they woke up, Doug was missing, hijinks ensued as they clamoured to find him, and everyone involved made lots of money and became famous.

Part 2, rumour has it (well, I’m starting the rumour anyway), was created when director Todd Phillips was walking down the street with the script for the first movie in his hand then tripped and fell into a pile of Thailand travel brochures. When he picked up the pages, he mistook the ensuing mess for an entirely new script and then took his beloved actors on a weekend bender where they all woke up with amnesia and signed contracts to star in the same movie again.

Bangkok, where the boys wake up with their second disastrous hangover while having “one drink” with groom-to-be Stu, is full of enough mayhem to keep you wondering what happened next, but never really capitalises on it by showing you what happened at the time, which was apparently awesome fun according to bystanders. Instead they go to daytime, pared-back versions of where they were, have mostly civilised conversations, then move along to the next wacky destination.

There are some fun moments in it, and a couple of good jokes, but mostly even the target-audience-filled theatre I was in didn’t respond too much to it, and the racist comments Galifianakis spills were probably ironic or whatever in the first movie but now just make you shake your head and wish you’d just decided to go experience being drunk for yourself.

The movie industry is currently jam packed with Marvel films, with a number of high profile titles either recently out or arriving soon. Of all of the comic based movies that came out recently few have been as well received as the first few X-men movies, and with good reason. They are well loved and known characters, a solid assortment of interesting powers, and the movies were handled with the perfect balance of cheese and drama, played part straight but with a slight wink.

More recent incarnations have been less successful, and I refer most particularly to Wolverine: Origins.

X-men: First Class, though, is a return to form. It combines a fantastic cast with a fresh vision of the X-men, and steps out an origin story that (unlike Wolverine) is well crafted and interesting. It also has some surprisingly funny lines, leading to a very “feel good” sense. There is a cameo, in particular, that cracked up the audience, including myself.

To say more on the cast, the performances are varied. Most of the cast are very good in their roles, but particular mention has to go to Michael Fassbender, who excels in this as he does in other roles. His presence and dark charisma suit the character of proto-Magneto perfectly, and it’s not hard to see his character transition smoothly to Ian McKellan’s older Magneto.

X-men: First Class was never trying to be more than an entertaining blockbuster, and at that it succeeds and well. A few clangers and incongruities (such as the level of understanding of genetics in the 1940s) don’t really take away from the fun, and this film will undoubtedly be a popular choice for the Friday and Saturday night crowds.